Saturday, July 8th

The last day of term was a normal boring day at school. I came straight home from school, did my homework, watched some TV, and we had some dinner when Daddy got home. Watched a bit more TV then went to bed.

I woke up about half 11 when I heard something smash downstairs. I sat straight up in bed, thinking maybe there was a burglar or something.

Then I heard Daddy shouting.

“Why the fuck do you do this to me, Anna?” I could hear Mummy shouting something back, but she didn’t shout loud enough for me to hear.

“I keep trying, but it just won’t work if you can’t keep it in your pants!” Every hair on my body was standing on end, and I was shaking. I wanted to curl under my covers and hide, but I didn’t want them to keep fighting, so I got out of bed and quietly opened my door.

 I heard something else smash, and Mummy shouting.

“Jason! Stop it, you’ll wake April! Do you want her to see you like this?”

“I hope she does wake up, maybe she can see her mother for the whore she really is!” I started crying as I reached the top of the stairs. I wanted to turn back and pretend I’d slept through the whole thing, but I thought maybe if I went downstairs they’d stop fighting and we could be a happy family again.

 When I reached the bottom of the stairs, they hadn’t noticed I was there yet.

“What’s wrong?” I asked, in a small voice. There were bits of glass, it was probably cups I heard smashing, all over the floor. Even though I was really quiet, they saw me. Daddy was crying, and Mummy looked really angry, but her face softened when she saw me.

“April, honey, go back to bed, ok?” Mummy spoke really soft to me, like she does when I’m ill.

“No, wait there.” Daddy turned back to Mummy. “She’s not a little child anymore. She knows what’s going on here, and she deserves to be treated like the growing girl she is.” My heart started pounding through my chest as he walked over to me. Mummy looked angry again.

 “Daddy…” I was about to say it was ok and I’d go back to bed, I didn’t want to hear what I knew was coming. Daddy kneeled down and held me tight.

“April, baby, I love you. Mummy loves you. I want you to know that we both love you so much, and that will never change…” He trailed off, and I could see over his shoulder Mummy was crying now too. I felt sick. This wasn’t real. This was just some bad dream and I’d wake up in a minute. Mummy came over and crouched next to us.

The room was silent for a few moments, and I couldn’t take it.

“But…” I whispered. As a way of making him continue, but I didn’t want him to. I wanted him to just say ‘no buts, we just love you’.

“But Mummy and Daddy don’t love each other anymore.” Mummy said, finishing for him.

I couldn’t even cry. I could barely breathe. My whole world had turned upside down, and nothing could ever be the same again.

“Why?” I asked quietly. I didn’t even want to know, I just wanted us to stay this close forever, and the longer I could keep them talking, the longer we could be a family for. Daddy closed his eyes and sighed, and Mummy looked at him. Neither of them were crying anymore. I could feel tears on my face, but I don’t think I was crying.

“Sometimes.” Daddy stopped like he was thinking, and opened his eyes to stare straight into mine. “Sometimes grown-ups stop loving each other.” He looked like he wanted to say more, but didn’t know how. I tried to avoid the eye-contact, and for the first time looked properly round the room. Everything was out of place. The phone was in pieces on the floor, a chair was knocked over, plates and glasses shattered on the kitchen floor. How long had they been fighting? I hope Daddy wasn’t aiming any of that stuff at Mummy. I don’t really know what triggered it all, but I’ve only seen Daddy really mad once before, and that was when we went to a shopping centre in Bridgeport while we were staying with Gramma, and I wandered off. He said he wasn’t angry at me, he was just scared, but he looked like he wanted to punch me and kiss me at the same time.

I feel like I did then right now. I feel lost, like I can’t work out what to do or what to say. I can’t even tell if I’m awake, maybe this is all a dream? No, I wouldn’t be writing my diary in a dream, I’d almost forgotten about it, I only found it because I shut myself in my room to stay out the way, and saw it under my bed.

“Why?” I asked. I felt like that was all I could manage. Just the one word, and I remembered Mummy and Daddy laughing with me when we were looking at baby pictures of me, and they pointed out the ‘why?’ stage I went through. I’d just ask ‘why?’ to everything and anyone. Daddy sighed, sunk to the floor, and looked to Mummy. She looked down, away from him and me.

 “It’s hard to explain, April. You’ll understand better when you’re older. Right now, you need to get a good nights sleep. Everything will seem better in the morning.” Daddy looked a bit annoyed that he was having to do all the talking, and started wiping the tears from his eyes.

“Maybe you’ll love each other in the morning?” I suggested. I knew it wasn’t possible, that they’d thought this through for ages, but maybe if I mentioned it they’d try again.

“I’m sorry, baby…” I nodded, not needing him to finish his sentence, and excused myself. I got into bed, but I couldn’t sleep. I could hear them talking at the bottom of the stairs, and was glad they weren’t shouting, but I couldn’t make out what they were saying.

It’s the summer holidays now, and Lottie is away, she left yesterday. I must’ve fallen asleep eventually, and when I got up this morning, Mummy was still in bed. I don’t think Daddy was in. I’ve not seen him all day, I don’t know where he is. I poured myself some cereal, and put some cartoons on to try and drown out the screaming replaying in my head. I guess I had it on quite loud, because Mummy came down not long after.

 “Are you ok, Honey?” I ignored her. I’m so angry at them both right now, I don’t want to talk to either of them ever again. Of course, that isn’t really possible when I live with them, or, one of them, so I’ll just make it last as long as I can. “April?” I glared at her. “I’m sorry, Honey, you know we’ve not done this to hurt you, Mummy and Daddy haven’t been getting on well for a while now…” I glared at her again to get her to shut up. It worked, and she went to the bathroom. Probably to shower as the one upstairs is broken. I left before she came out, I couldn’t stand seeing her or seeing the state of the house, so I went to the park.

 I just wanted to be alone. I sat on a bench and started crying. I forgot I was in public, I guess everything from last night had fried my brain or something. I don’t know how long I was there for, I kinda lost myself in my thoughts until I heard a voice say:

“What’s wrong?” I jerked my head up. I hadn’t recognised the voice, and I didn’t recognise the boy standing in front of me either. I half remember seeing him on the swings when I first got to the park, but I wasn’t paying attention.

 “Nothing.” I replied, after I’d pulled myself together a bit. The boy just looked at me, like he was wondering what to say, and I tried to avoid looking at him. If you’ve ever had someone stare at you before, you’ll know what I mean when I say I felt uncomfortable. Eventually, he spoke again:

“Well, I’m here if you decide it’s something.” I just nodded, and he kept staring. “What’s your name? Mine’s Justin.”

 “April.” I replied, quietly. I wondered why I hadn’t seen him before, Winchester is a small town, and we don’t really get tourists, I didn’t feel like talking, so I didn’t ask.

“Well, hi April. I’m new here, maybe you could be my friend? Show me around?”

“Ok.” I replied, happy he’d answered my unasked question. He continued standing there, looking at me, until I got too uncomfortable and got up to leave.

 “Wait, don’t go yet!” I spun around, I’d started to walk off. “If we’re going to be friends, shouldn’t you give me your number?”

“I don’t have a number.” I replied, truthfully. “The house phone is broken, and I don’t have my own phone yet.”

“Oh…” He looked thoughtful a moment. “Well, where do you live? I’ll come call on you sometime?”

“2B Pier Walk. It’s just over the hill from the club on the beach, near the picnic area.”

“I don’t know where that is…” He smiled. “But I’ll work it out, don’t worry. See you later, April.”

I walked home slowly. I checked behind me to see if Justin was following me, but he wasn’t. I half hoped he was, maybe he could have given me an excuse to not go home. I dreaded going home, and seeing the mess everywhere. Seeing Mummy sad, and knowing Daddy wouldn’t be coming home from work. I don’t understand how two people who have been together for so long, can end so quickly. I knew they were arguing, but I didn’t ever imagine it would end up like this. Everyone argues.

When I got home, Mummy was cleaning the kitchen. She didn’t look that upset, and smiled at me when I walked in. I went straight to my room, and tried to find something to do. I wondered if Emily would be home, but I didn’t feel like talking to her if she was anyway. She’s never had her Daddy around, so I don’t think she’d understand. I need Lottie. Why did she have to go away just as all this happened?

And Daddy, if you ever read this, you’re not allowed to tell me off for swearing in here.

Saturday, April 25th

Me, Mummy and Daddy went round Emily’s house today. Emily’s Mummy is Daddy’s sister, and we go round for dinner a few times a month. She's a really good cook, my Aunt Lynn. Better than my Mummy. She usually cooks spicy foods, but they're not bad spicy. She says they're traditional Carribean dishes. I played with Emily in her room before dinner was ready.

Her sister, Amelia, was playing music really loud through her headphones and Emily shouted at her. Amelia threw her headphones across the room, and told us she only had it loud because we were being loud. Emily threw the headphones back, and Amelia jumped off the bed.

Amelia started shouting and swearing, and I had a hard time remembering how nice she was to me on Tuesday. Amelia swears a lot, if I said any of the things she says then Daddy would be very angry, even though I've heard him say them before. Amelia and Emily don’t live with their Daddy. I don’t know why, and I feel bad asking.

Mummy and Daddy were really happy all day, they've hardly talked to each other all week, but they were just like normal again today. They were laughing and joking with Aunt Lynn and even Amelia started laughing at one time. Me and Emily didn’t get what they were laughing about, and we were talking about important things like what school was going to be like next week. We’ve got a new maths teacher and neither of us have had him yet. Emily said that Amelia had him on Friday but wouldn’t tell her what he was like. I hope he doesn’t make us do too much homework. Especially because I hate having to do homework at family times.

Aunt Lynn made pan fried salmon with butter sauce for dinner, and pudin de pan for dessert. I don't usually like fish, but the sauce was really good so it didn't taste too fishy, the sauce wasn't even that spicy, even though I saw the size of the pepper she put in it! Pudin de pan is chocolate bread pudding, and aunt Lynn says it's really simple. I've never tried making anything before, but I'm going to get her to teach me when I'm old enough to use the oven.

After dinner Amelia went out to the park with some friends. I don’t know why they all go to the park because they don’t do anything. They just stand around and talk. Sometimes they make lots of noise and in the summer when I sleep with my window open I can hear them if the breeze is blowing the right way. They don’t go to the main one by the school where me, Lottie and Emily go to play, they go to the one just up the dirt track from my house. There's nothing there but trees and benches, so it must be really boring! Just down the path from there is the beach, and there's a dance club on the beach too. You would think that's where teenagers would go, especially in the rain, but they all just hang around on the boardwalk instead.

Tuesday, April 21st

Mummy and Daddy argued a lot last night. I could hear them in the kitchen after I went to bed, but I couldn’t work out what they were saying.

I don’t think they knew I could hear, but it’s a small house and I can hear most things in the house from my room.

It was a hot night, even though it poured with rain, so I curled up on top of my covers and tried to block it out.

I think Daddy must’ve got angry, because I heard lots of swears, and the front door slam. I didn't hear Mummy come up to bed, so I must've fallen asleep before she did.

He wasn’t here when I woke up this morning. I've heard them arguing before, and heard him walk out, but he's always been home before I woke up. Mummy said he went to work early, and he’d be home for dinner as normal. I didn't believe her, I know he stayed out all night, and I don't understand why she couldn't just tell me that. I'm a big girl now, and I know they argue, but I also know they love each other and Daddy will always come back.

Me and Lottie went to the park after school. Dahlia was on the swings though, so we played on the slide. Dahlia doesn’t like us either, if it wasn’t for Emily we’d have nothing to do with each other.

Some other kids came to the park, and they wanted to go on the slide. We didn't want to play with them, so we went over to the climbing frame instead. Lottie told me that she’s going on holiday to Shang Simla in the summer! I’ve never been to another country, Lottie and her family go away every year, and she always brings me back something cool. They’re going to be gone for two weeks and I’ll really miss her, but Emily won’t go away anyway so hopefully she can play with me. Lottie asked if I would be ok, and I told her that I could play with Emily, but I didn't notice Dahlia had stopped swinging and was listening to us.

"You can't play with Emily when Charlotte is away, because I'll make sure she has plenty more fun things to do with me. She shouldn't be playing with her cousin anyway. Family can't be your friends too." Dahlia can be so mean. She always acts nice when Emily is around, and I don't have the heart to tell her that her best friend is such a bully. I looked at Lottie and she looked as uncomfortable as I felt. I was about to invite her back to my house so we could have an excuse to get out of there, when Emily's sister, Amelia appeared out of nowhere.

 "Sorry, Dahlia. I think my baby cousin can play with my sister if she wants to." Dahlia rolled her eyes. I guess Amelia doesn't like Dahlia as much as the other way around. I don't think Amelia likes anybody she doesn't have to. Dahlia has a sister Amelia's age, Kaitlyn. I know I've heard Aunt Lynn shout at Amelia for being sent home from school for fighting with her. I wonder if Kaitlyn is as annoying as Dahlia?

Dahlia let out a huff, and looked like she was about to say something to Amelia. She's brave, I'd never dare to answer back to Amelia if she shouted at me!
"You'd best get home, Dahlia, don't you think? Don't want Mummy to shout at you, do you? And can you imagine if someone was to 'accidentally' push you into the mud and ruin your pretty clothes?"
"Whatever, Amelia. At least I don't look like death. You might think you look cool, but you just look depressing." I couldn't believe Dahlia would answer her back like that, I guess she wasn't raised to respect her elders like I was.
"Whatever, Barbie." Amelia was actually smiling! I hardly ever see Amelia smile since she started high school. "Go on squirt" She said to me, "You get yourself home too." I smiled a thank you to her, and me and Lottie walked out of the park. At the end of the road, Lottie has to turn another way, so we said goodbye and went our separate ways.

Daddy was home annd dinner was ready when I got home, but something didn’t seem right. They didn't speak to each other, and they still looked really angry. I didn't say anything either. I didn't know if I was supposed to because usually one of them will ask me about my day, but they didn't.

After dinner, I asked Daddy what was wrong, but he wouldn’t tell me and just said that he was tired. They’re always tired. That’s what I don’t look forward to about growing up, everyone always seems to be tired. Maybe because my Daddy has to work so hard at the farm? In the winter he was complaining that he couldn’t do much because the snow got so bad this year, but the other night he was complaining that there was too much to do before summer. We don’t normally get much snow because it’s quite warm where we live, but Daddy said that we got more snow than Bridgeport this year!

We go to Bridgeport every year. My Gramma lives there. I've never met my Mummy's parents. Mummy always said they didn't agree with her life choices, and Daddy always pulls a face when Mummy mentions them, I assume it has something to do with him. His Dad, my Grandad, died when I was 5 so I don't remember him well. So, my Gramma, his Mum, lives in Bridgeport and we visit her every year for Christmas. I love going to her house, because me and Emily get to share a room and it's like having a sleepover for days! And because it's Christmas it makes it feel even more special! Especially when it's snowing.