The last day of term was a
normal boring day at school. I came straight home from school, did my homework,
watched some TV, and we had some dinner when Daddy got home. Watched a bit more
TV then went to bed.
I woke up about half 11 when I
heard something smash downstairs. I sat straight up in bed, thinking maybe
there was a burglar or something.
Then I heard Daddy shouting.
“Why the fuck do you do this to
me, Anna?” I could hear Mummy shouting something back, but she didn’t shout
loud enough for me to hear.
“I keep trying, but it just
won’t work if you can’t keep it in your pants!” Every hair on my body was
standing on end, and I was shaking. I wanted to curl under my covers and hide,
but I didn’t want them to keep fighting, so I got out of bed and quietly opened
I heard something else smash, and Mummy shouting.
“Jason! Stop it, you’ll wake
April! Do you want her to see you like this?”
“I hope she does wake up, maybe
she can see her mother for the whore she really is!” I started crying as I
reached the top of the stairs. I wanted to turn back and pretend I’d slept
through the whole thing, but I thought maybe if I went downstairs they’d stop
fighting and we could be a happy family again.
When I reached the bottom of the
stairs, they hadn’t noticed I was there yet.
“What’s wrong?” I asked, in a
small voice. There were bits of glass, it was probably cups I heard smashing,
all over the floor. Even though I was really quiet, they saw me. Daddy was
crying, and Mummy looked really angry, but her face softened when she saw me.
“April, honey, go back to bed,
ok?” Mummy spoke really soft to me, like she does when I’m ill.
“No, wait there.” Daddy turned
back to Mummy. “She’s not a little child anymore. She knows what’s going on
here, and she deserves to be treated like the growing girl she is.” My heart
started pounding through my chest as he walked over to me. Mummy looked angry
“Daddy…” I was about to say it
was ok and I’d go back to bed, I didn’t want to hear what I knew was coming.
Daddy kneeled down and held me tight.
“April, baby, I love you. Mummy
loves you. I want you to know that we both love you so much, and that will
never change…” He trailed off, and I could see over his shoulder Mummy was
crying now too. I felt sick. This wasn’t real. This was just some bad dream and
I’d wake up in a minute. Mummy came over and crouched next to us.
The room was silent for a few
moments, and I couldn’t take it.
“But…” I whispered. As a way of
making him continue, but I didn’t want him to. I wanted him to just say ‘no
buts, we just love you’.
“But Mummy and Daddy don’t love
each other anymore.” Mummy said, finishing for him.
I couldn’t even cry. I could
barely breathe. My whole world had turned upside down, and nothing could ever
be the same again.
“Why?” I asked quietly. I didn’t
even want to know, I just wanted us to stay this close forever, and the longer
I could keep them talking, the longer we could be a family for. Daddy closed
his eyes and sighed, and Mummy looked at him. Neither of them were crying anymore.
I could feel tears on my face, but I don’t think I was crying.
“Sometimes.” Daddy stopped like
he was thinking, and opened his eyes to stare straight into mine. “Sometimes
grown-ups stop loving each other.” He looked like he wanted to say more, but
didn’t know how. I tried to avoid the eye-contact, and for the first time
looked properly round the room. Everything was out of place. The phone was in
pieces on the floor, a chair was knocked over, plates and glasses shattered on
the kitchen floor. How long had they been fighting? I hope Daddy wasn’t aiming
any of that stuff at Mummy. I don’t really know what triggered it all, but I’ve
only seen Daddy really mad once before, and that was when we went to a shopping
centre in Bridgeport
while we were staying with Gramma, and I wandered off. He said he wasn’t angry
at me, he was just scared, but he looked like he wanted to punch me and kiss me
at the same time.
I feel like I did then right
now. I feel lost, like I can’t work out what to do or what to say. I can’t even
tell if I’m awake, maybe this is all a dream? No, I wouldn’t be writing my
diary in a dream, I’d almost forgotten about it, I only found it because I shut
myself in my room to stay out the way, and saw it under my bed.
“Why?” I asked. I felt like that
was all I could manage. Just the one word, and I remembered Mummy and Daddy
laughing with me when we were looking at baby pictures of me, and they pointed
out the ‘why?’ stage I went through. I’d just ask ‘why?’ to everything and
anyone. Daddy sighed, sunk to the floor, and looked to Mummy. She looked down, away from him and me.
“It’s hard to explain, April.
You’ll understand better when you’re older. Right now, you need to get a good
nights sleep. Everything will seem better in the morning.” Daddy looked a bit
annoyed that he was having to do all the talking, and started wiping the tears from his eyes.
“Maybe you’ll love each other in
the morning?” I suggested. I knew it wasn’t possible, that they’d thought this
through for ages, but maybe if I mentioned it they’d try again.
“I’m sorry, baby…” I nodded, not
needing him to finish his sentence, and excused myself. I got into bed, but I
couldn’t sleep. I could hear them talking at the bottom of the stairs, and was
glad they weren’t shouting, but I couldn’t make out what they were saying.
It’s the summer holidays now,
and Lottie is away, she left yesterday. I must’ve fallen asleep eventually, and
when I got up this morning, Mummy was still in bed. I don’t think Daddy was in.
I’ve not seen him all day, I don’t know where he is. I poured myself some
cereal, and put some cartoons on to try and drown out the screaming replaying
in my head. I guess I had it on quite loud, because Mummy came down not long
“Are you ok, Honey?” I ignored
her. I’m so angry at them both right now, I don’t want to talk to either of
them ever again. Of course, that isn’t really possible when I live with them,
or, one of them, so I’ll just make it last as long as I can. “April?” I glared
at her. “I’m sorry, Honey, you know we’ve not done this to hurt you, Mummy and
Daddy haven’t been getting on well for a while now…” I glared at her again to
get her to shut up. It worked, and she went to the bathroom. Probably to shower
as the one upstairs is broken. I left before she came out, I couldn’t stand
seeing her or seeing the state of the house, so I went to the park.
wanted to be alone. I sat on a bench and started crying. I forgot I was in
public, I guess everything from last night had fried my brain or something. I
don’t know how long I was there for, I kinda lost myself in my thoughts until I
heard a voice say:
“What’s wrong?” I jerked my head
up. I hadn’t recognised the voice, and I didn’t recognise the boy standing in
front of me either. I half remember seeing him on the swings when I first got
to the park, but I wasn’t paying attention.
“Nothing.” I replied, after I’d
pulled myself together a bit. The boy just looked at me, like he was wondering
what to say, and I tried to avoid looking at him. If you’ve ever had someone
stare at you before, you’ll know what I mean when I say I felt uncomfortable.
Eventually, he spoke again:
“Well, I’m here if you decide
it’s something.” I just nodded, and he kept staring. “What’s your name? Mine’s
“April.” I replied, quietly. I
wondered why I hadn’t seen him before, Winchester
is a small town, and we don’t really get tourists, I didn’t feel like talking,
so I didn’t ask.
“Well, hi April. I’m new here,
maybe you could be my friend? Show me around?”
“Ok.” I replied, happy he’d
answered my unasked question. He continued standing there, looking at me, until
I got too uncomfortable and got up to leave.
“Wait, don’t go yet!” I spun
around, I’d started to walk off. “If we’re going to be friends, shouldn’t you
give me your number?”
“I don’t have a number.” I
replied, truthfully. “The house phone is broken, and I don’t have my own phone
“Oh…” He looked thoughtful a
moment. “Well, where do you live? I’ll come call on you sometime?”
“2B Pier Walk. It’s just over
the hill from the club on the beach, near the picnic area.”
“I don’t know where that is…” He
smiled. “But I’ll work it out, don’t worry. See you later, April.”
I walked home slowly. I checked
behind me to see if Justin was following me, but he wasn’t. I half hoped he
was, maybe he could have given me an excuse to not go home. I dreaded going
home, and seeing the mess everywhere. Seeing Mummy sad, and knowing Daddy
wouldn’t be coming home from work. I don’t understand how two people who have
been together for so long, can end so quickly. I knew they were arguing, but I
didn’t ever imagine it would end up like this. Everyone argues.
When I got home, Mummy was cleaning the kitchen. She didn’t look that upset, and smiled at me when I
walked in. I went straight to my room, and tried to find something to do. I
wondered if Emily would be home, but I didn’t feel like talking to her if she
was anyway. She’s never had her Daddy around, so I don’t think she’d
understand. I need Lottie. Why did she have to go away just as all this
And Daddy, if you ever read
this, you’re not allowed to tell me off for swearing in here.